You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
