Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
