Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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