I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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