Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
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He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
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made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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