Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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