girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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