drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
