the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
