my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
