theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
