My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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