No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
