i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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