she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
