Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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