i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
