At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh god it's open bar.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
