I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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