people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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