4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
