my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Quick, to the slutcave!
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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