I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
