I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
