I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
