My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I CAN MOONWALK!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
