Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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