the condom got lost in my hair
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
sarcasm needs its own font
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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