I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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