dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
