Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
