I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
