I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
