I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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