Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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