Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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