when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
