half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
