I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
