I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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