I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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