its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
