I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
