i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
