So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Randomize
