I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
