I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
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You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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