New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
