when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
