Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
