Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
