The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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