So drunk, too bad you don't want this
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
